Our story starts off much like anyone else’s.  We got married in September 2000 and had some fun as a couple for a few years before deciding to start our family.  Jason and I had no questions or worries of how that was going to happen or how many children we wanted, 3 for sure possibly 4.  Back then, we thought, “people get pregnant and the end result is a baby,” no worries.  Also, I had always wanted to adopt too, so we talked about that possibility as well.

 

In early 2005 we were overjoyed to find out we were expecting!  Getting pregnant was not a problem for us.  I enjoyed this new experience ten-fold, even though I was sick clear into month 6.  Other than that, we had fun.  We enjoyed my belly growing, the movements, we were scared about becoming parents, but isn’t everyone?  Jason had a part time job at Toys R Us which was super fun for us because it helped us with our all our baby shopping needs.  We had our son Benjamin September 2005.

 

We dove into parenthood head on.  I was a stay at home mom working part time at night.  I loved being home with my new baby boy.  It fit me.  Then came the time to add to our family.  In August 2007 I found out I was pregnant AGAIN!   We were so excited to have a little brother or sister for Benjamin.  Again I found myself extremely sick.  I was given medication this time to help stave off the sickness.  I was admitted to the hospital and given fluids.  But things were going smoothly again.  We tried to find out what we were having at our 20-week ultrasound, but baby wouldn’t let us.  So we went on again without knowing.  Baby was an active little thing.  I called baby a she.  She loved music.  Especially in the car.  It was almost like she was dancing.  Loved those times. 

The start of my 36^th week we had a birthday get together for our nephew at the Ramada swimming pool.  That weekend is burned into my memory.  We had a fun filled weekend swimming and playing.  I remember eating at Space Aliens and noticing baby was being way over active.  We drove our nephew home the following day, as we left his mom asked when I was going to pop.  I said 4 weeks!  On that trip home I noticed I hadn’t felt the baby move for a while. So I sat in the front seat, concentrating on my baby.  Whew!  I finally felt a tumble.  That night I was downstairs ‘nesting’.  The basement needed some serious cleaning, HA!  As I sat there I came down with the WORST case of heartburn ever.  I cannot explain it.  But it was awful.  So I decided to sleep downstairs and prop myself up with pillows. 

 

I woke up the next morning, looked in the mirror and just knew something was wrong. But I still didn’t go to the hospital.  Benjamin and I played trains and cars.  I finally took a bath.  Called Jason and told him I hadn’t felt the baby move and I think something is wrong.  He said no.  Everything is fine but he’d meet me at the clinic to be sure.  We went to the clinic.  They sent us to the hospital, told us we should have gone there first.  They called ahead for us.  So the hospital knew we were coming.  That was the longest drive of my life.  We got there, scared out of our minds.  The nurse met us and took me back to hook me up to the Doppler.  I heard a heartbeat… but knew it was mine.  She said not to worry just yet because she is bad at this.  I grabbed her hand and took it from my belly.  I told her it was ok.  I knew the baby was gone.  She left to get an ultrasound machine.  We had to wait for the tech.  In the meantime, we called my sister to come get Benjamin.  She arrived right after the ultrasound tech had confirmed the baby had died.  I asked if they could tell us what we were having.  They told me a boy.  They asked me if I wanted to go home and get a few things, or just get checked in now.  Uhm, yes, I want to be checked in NOW.  If I go home, I will never come back.  You are asking me to do something so horrible, so awful, so unbelievable. I was really not comprehending what they were saying to me. I felt a horrible guilt.  I let this happen.  I let my baby die. 

 

So the next day April, 01, 2008 I delivered a beautiful 5lb 11 oz 19 in long baby GIRL.  That was a surprise since they had told us the day before we were having a boy.  We always knew our daughter would be named Mary after my Grandma, we decided on Mary-Alice after both our grandmas.  She was perfect.  She just wasn’t breathing.  We had to leave her there.  I cannot tell you how desperate that situation is.  How empty my heart and arms felt.  I was pushed out to our minivan in a wheelchair because I had just given birth, but no balloons, flowers or baby carriage came with me.  The flowers came a week later at the funeral.  So what do you do with that?  We had to learn how to live our lives as grieving parents.  We have pictures, hand, foot and face molds, a lock of her hair.  I buy little trinkets for her all the time and display them in our home.  We don’t get to see her grow.  We are missing out on her whole life.  We moved through it, and tried to have another baby.  We got pregnant again in January. At our first OB appointment we learned there was no heartbeat.  I had miscarried.  I was scheduled for a DNC on January, 29, 2009.  I always thought this baby was a boy, we named him Jaden. 

 

I think after our 2^nd loss I knew something was wrong with me.  The doctors kept telling us No. No you are fine. You are a healthy 30-year-old woman, You have a baby boy at home, you will have more babies. These things just happen.  I know I didn’t believe that.  So we decided to try adoption!  I guess I was thinking adoption is easy, we’ll do that first and then maybe try for another biological child.  So we started the process August 2009.  We did the training and classes and put ourselves out there. 

We had been waiting for over a year.  I got impatient.  And those things the doctors had told me were ringing in my ears.  You can have another!  You are healthy!  So we got pregnant again.  This time, we were scared from day 1.  The positive test was not joy. It was FEAR.  We went to our new doctor, he told us I was high risk and would be treated as such.  Every appointment I had I was scared to death.  But he would find the heartbeat. And there would be just a loud little thump. Music to my ears.  We had our 20-week ultrasound on Mary-Alice’s 3^rd birthday.  No one knew we were pregnant.  We just weren’t ready to tell people.  We found out we were having a girl.  As if my fear wasn’t enough.  We were having a girl.  I bought a few little things and tried to be happy.  Benjamin was helping us pick out names and we came up with quite a list. 

 

We were finally going to get to see a specialist on Monday April, 11, 2011.  We were 22.5 weeks along.  For some reason my mom had stayed in town and was watching Benjamin that morning.  The nurse tech hooked me up and started taking pictures.  I noticed the heartbeat flicker wasn’t there.  So I asked if everything was alright.  She said she was going to have a coughing fit and ran out of the room.  Jason wasn’t too panicked yet.  I was really trying hard to believe it wasn’t true.  I wasn’t going through this again.  She came back and told us that no.  There was no heartbeat.  Yes our daughter had died.  AGAIN.  I was so angry.  I was really trying to believe it wasn’t true.  Why would God allow this to happen to us AGAIN?  What horrible things had I done to deserve this?  I am going to have to deliver another baby girl whom I cannot see grow, whom I can’t keep.  The doctor told us that it could take two days for the inducing pill to work.  I told them no.  I can’t be doing this again.  I have my son’s preschool graduation to attend on Wednesday I can’t be here delivering his sister….AGAIN.  The doctor retracted a bit, told me he didn’t believe my body would take two days and we should start the inducement.  So there I was again going through labor for another daughter.  The sadness and anger really is indescribable.  She didn’t wait two days.  She came that evening at 8:00 pm.  All 9oz of her.  We held her and decided to let Benjamin name her.  He had really like the name Amelia because a friend in his preschool class was Amelia.  We knew at that time, it fit her.  We also knew something was wrong with me.  Why can’t I have anymore healthy children?  Why aren’t these doctors treating me?  Why did they let Amelia die?  I knew that these things did NOT just happen.  That I was not young and HEALTHY.  I made it to Benjamin’s preschool graduation that Wednesday.  His teacher told Jason that he came in to class and told them that his sister had just died in Mommy’s tummy and he needed a hug.  As a mom this broke me in two.  What did he ever do to deserve this? Jason? Nothing. So it was me.  We buried her that Saturday.  Again all to reminiscent of her older sister, a cold Saturday morning.  This time it was just us.  My parents, sister, brothers and nephew.  I couldn’t do another big funeral.  After we buried her I went to bed.  I wanted to die myself.  There is no handbook on losing a child.  Let alone two.  It was a long time before I could wake up in the morning and not feel a gut punch and my heart sink again each time as I realized it wasn’t a horrible dream.

 

  I started a facebook page for stillbirth moms.  Jason kept with his running.  I believe he had ran his first marathon the year before.  And had started doing 5 and 10ks as therapy.  We talked about the adoption process. We were still in the “book” for birthmoms to find us.  We thought we would give it until December of that year.  If a birthmom did not find us by then, we just were done.  DONE.  We were mentally preparing ourselves to quit the adoption process.

 

The days and weeks went by and I cannot tell you how we made it through.  I only know that we did.  And do.  This has changed my life beyond repair.  I have depression now that seeps into my life often.  I get really bad anxiety attacks.  But I try my best to keep it together for my son.  The Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2011 we got a call from our adoption agency.  I was sitting in the car when Jason answered the phone.  I could tell it was good news.  I couldn’t believe it!  A birthmom wanted to meet with us.  We sent something up for December 10^th, 2011. 

 

We were so nervous to meet this young lady.  We had so much love for her already, whether she chose us or not, we loved her for carrying a baby to bless another family.  Brave.  She had all these questions for us.  We answered them honestly.  She left the room for a few minutes, came back and said “Would you guys be the parents of my baby?”  TEARS!  I cried.  Jason said yes.  HA!  So did I.  We hugged and made arrangements to meet again. 

 

This next meeting was to go over the birth plan.  I felt like I was intruding.  The agency was asking us and her such personal questions, and making plans for the delivery date.  After that meeting we wanted to go out with her and get to know her and her parents.  It felt natural.  They embraced us.  We embraced them. 

 

Jason and I were still very cautious about this.  We had already lost two little girls.  We didn’t want to set ourselves up for another loss.  Birthmom could easily change her mind.  In Minnesota the birthmom has up to 60 days after baby is born to sign over her parental rights, She cannot sign them within 72 hours of birth.  And after signed she has ten business days to change her mind.  So basically 78 days after birth could be our wait to know if this baby would legally become ours.  We were cautious. 

We went on a false alarm trip to the hospital.  No baby, drove home.  We waited another 9 days before labor really was going to happen.  Birthmom was 40 weeks and ready.  I cannot even imagine.  She invited us into the birth room with her.  We were so honored to do so.  She gave me the gift of seeing our daughter being born.  It was the neatest thing I have ever seen.  I just got chills writing that. SO amazing.  I could see baby’s head.  I was watching this young lady go through the worst pain in her life and I was in awe.  Our baby girl arrived at 8:08pm almost 40 weeks to the day that Amelia had died.  Courtney was born January 2012.

 

We had the baby with us in our hospital room, It was hard for us, because we knew down the hall was a birthmom suffering.  And scary for us because what if we don’t get to take her home.  We did an entrustment ceremony at the hospital. She wanted to get some closure or peace with her decision.  She picked out some poems to read, we lit a candle together and promised to love that little girl. 

 

Boy do we ever.  The loss our birthmom has endured is not lost on me.  I appreciate her sadness and strength.  She leads the relationship. We have an open adoption.  We call and ask if she wants a visit.  IF yes, we go.  If no, we don’t.  Time has helped her. Like it has most grieving moms.  Our life has been enriched with both birth families.  Courtney’s birthdad and his family are very much involved in our lives as well. Courtney is so loved by so many people and our lives have been blessed with these crazy families that we like to call our Adopted Families. 

 

Stillbirth is still a very big part of our lives.  We decided to do something, to get involved, because I just can’t sit back and let this happen to another family without a fight.  No family should have to endure this horrible thing once.  Let alone TWICE.  We started the Mary-Alice and Friends 5k (for Stillbirth research and awareness). The whole thing came about because of Amelia.  We even found out after getting to know Courtney’s birth family that her birth grandma had lost a baby at birth as well.  It really isn’t that uncommon.  Yet we choose not to talk about it.  We hope to break that silence surrounding stillbirth. 

 

Doing that we get to tell our story or love, life, loss, adoption and healing.  We are not healed fully and we never will be.  I have two holes in my heart that belong to my daughters who grow in heaven.  Courtney and Amelia are both 4 right now.  One grows in Heaven, one in our arms.  She is the happiest, talky-est, smiley-est kid we know.  She knows about her older sisters.  And will continue to learn about her unique life as she grows. 

 

Benjamin is now 10.  He went through all of this with us.  We never let him see or hold his sisters.  I have no regrets about that as he was really young and just having them die was hard enough.  I didn’t want to scare him. He is the most compassionate little boy I know.  HE is a sensitive soul with a big heart.  I know he gets that through his experiences as a big brother to Mary-Alice and Amelia.  I just hope and pray when he starts his family he can do so without my rotten genes.  And have as many happy healthy babies as he wants.

 

Jason and I work on our grief daily.  It changes as we change.  We have been together through this hell.  And we will always miss those lil girls.  Our concentration is on Courtney and Benjamin.  We just hope we aren’t screwing them up.